Yesterday was a very interesting day for me. I was barely in the Word, I wasn't terribly focused on anything, and I hadn't really done much at all. Even knowing all of that I tried to make myself sound more "spiritual" than I was yesterday. I have a conversation with a friend everytime I see them and usually it is of some value. Today I basically just vomited everything that I did this weekend with little to know actual valuable conversation. I wasn't myself. As someone who takes solice in the fact that I can be incredibly consistent in my emotions and reactions, this wasn't me. Today, I am examining a different aspect of that trait of consistency. The alternate extreme, why am I not emotional about the things that truly hurt my heart? What blockage do I have that is keeping me from such things? I need to understand this to truly reach a level of honesty with myself and everyone else. I don't see myself as easily swayed or emotionally enticed but deep down I know that I am to some extent especially with certain music and certain movies. Those are things that are out of my control from being contained by the walls I put up. I want to discover where the walls came from in the first place.
I used to get offended constantly when someone would challenge me or attack a point of view I hold. Not so much anymore, I do enjoy the discussion though. Now, my biggest defensive stance comes when people question my motives. In part this is due to my own questioning of my motives but on the alternate side this is because there are people who don't know the battle with integrity that I have faced, the challenges that through God and changing my heart I have overcome, or the constant struggle I have faced with serving people regardless of how pure I think their motive is. This is the most hurtful thing you can do to me right now. I would rather be stabbed than have my motives questioned. It's not that I don't struggle with manipulation or that I always have pure motives but when you are constantly being questioned about your heart that attacks character. I know I have come through a lot in a short amount of time but I wish I could just hand people a brochure of all that stuff and restore trust or build trust. If only it was that easy, I have let down my closest friends, betrayed my family, and lied to the face of my leaders. These are not easy mountains to climb back over. I've asked for forgiveness but that doesn't change the lies that people hold onto. The best I can do is be myself and be honest with myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment