Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Going Nuclear
I woke up this morning like any other: tired, disoriented, do i need to be awake, it's 3:30 am, i should go back to bed, what if i over sleep, guess i'll wake up, i think I'll just lie here and listen to music, i think I'll journal and pray, I think I'll blog, but something different happened...I did those things. I didn't just lie there and pretend like I was going to wake up and do something, I TOOK MY BODY AND MOVED!
I am no different than any other. I am simply a man who woke up this morning choosing to do rather than just simply pretend. This is the error of my ways in the past, I've always just pretended as if I was going to set out to do things and remained the same. I don't think I haven't changed or accomplished anything but it's not what it could be something needs to change, constantly in order for growth to be present. It has to be a measurable force in order to be seen as progress or momentum. IT has to be me and God maintaining an intimacy that is like a nuclear reaction...a continual series of changes that are unpredictable and impossible to measure the total impact. This is the first of many posts like it. I can guarantee it.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Diligence takes....Capturing.
I started this blog a couple days ago and never really got to writing it. I meant to and just didn't have exactly what I wanted to say.
I have always been that guy who thinks through all scenarios before moving forward with something. Which is funny because I usually say things without thinking and it has always bothered me that the two do not coincide with each other... or do they? I would think it's just the same game with a different name. One involves action and one involves words. Diligence and integrity for that matter like I wrote before requires those two things to line up. It is almost imperative to being able to call myself a man of integrity since the definition is just that lining up your words and actions. So since I analyze everything else, why do I struggle so much with analyzing the things I say? Why do I find it difficult to control my tongue? Is it because one is more important than the other is it more important for the action to be Good and righteous and my word to be void of purpose. I don't think so since "Faith without works is dead" and from what I know of faith it is being sure enough to say that something will happen and works just meaning my actions. Then the real question comes down to is it a priority for me to live and say things that are pleasing to God. And if not then why? Do I lack the ability to control my tongue? On my own yes, with the aid of the Holy Spirit I would say not. So ultimately, that is a no.
I think it really has to do with that I do not have a full understanding of the affect of my words consistently. I will say things off the cuff and not think twice until I am later apologizing realizing that I have said something I shouldn't have. I need something to help me get it beforehand. I am detail oriented and so every little comment or action to me has some effect like a pebble in the pond sending ripples but my words I feel don't hold the same weight or at least that is how I treat it. I know otherwise but getting that to hit my heart is difficult I lack the wisdom and compassion in my flesh that would forge that priority to have control over my tongue or at the very least and almost more importantly take my thoughts captive. This thought captivating thing is tough though. It takes that diligence thing. It takes dedicated vigilance and forced action when I don't want to do it which means it's going to be tough. But the joy of the lord is my strength, and he has created me to be a man of integrity who is willing to maintain that through capturing his thoughts at all times to endure to the end and be a good and faithful servant.
I have always been that guy who thinks through all scenarios before moving forward with something. Which is funny because I usually say things without thinking and it has always bothered me that the two do not coincide with each other... or do they? I would think it's just the same game with a different name. One involves action and one involves words. Diligence and integrity for that matter like I wrote before requires those two things to line up. It is almost imperative to being able to call myself a man of integrity since the definition is just that lining up your words and actions. So since I analyze everything else, why do I struggle so much with analyzing the things I say? Why do I find it difficult to control my tongue? Is it because one is more important than the other is it more important for the action to be Good and righteous and my word to be void of purpose. I don't think so since "Faith without works is dead" and from what I know of faith it is being sure enough to say that something will happen and works just meaning my actions. Then the real question comes down to is it a priority for me to live and say things that are pleasing to God. And if not then why? Do I lack the ability to control my tongue? On my own yes, with the aid of the Holy Spirit I would say not. So ultimately, that is a no.
I think it really has to do with that I do not have a full understanding of the affect of my words consistently. I will say things off the cuff and not think twice until I am later apologizing realizing that I have said something I shouldn't have. I need something to help me get it beforehand. I am detail oriented and so every little comment or action to me has some effect like a pebble in the pond sending ripples but my words I feel don't hold the same weight or at least that is how I treat it. I know otherwise but getting that to hit my heart is difficult I lack the wisdom and compassion in my flesh that would forge that priority to have control over my tongue or at the very least and almost more importantly take my thoughts captive. This thought captivating thing is tough though. It takes that diligence thing. It takes dedicated vigilance and forced action when I don't want to do it which means it's going to be tough. But the joy of the lord is my strength, and he has created me to be a man of integrity who is willing to maintain that through capturing his thoughts at all times to endure to the end and be a good and faithful servant.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Diligence takes..... Unshakable Joy
About a week ago I think I was talking to a friend of mine and we were talking about my usually blank/dismal look on my face, and the only thing I could come up with was well I don't smile much and so I always look the same regardless of my mood. Well, that had an affect on my heart, whether I totally got that or not. Well, no more can I use that excuse.. The joy of the Lord is my strength which not only means that when my Father is happy I am strong but that when I am filled with this Unshakable joy I am also strong. Nehemiah 8:10 "Don't be dejected and sad, for the joy of the LORD is your strength!" It seems so simple... Oh wait because it is. All week I have been witness to God's grace and provision. If I can witness the everpresent love that God pours out on me it would be hard not to be giddy. I made the mistake of getting distracted and got up from writing and thus this has suffered because the next thing I was going to say I can no longer remember. Must not have been destined to be blogged.
So, I am a pretty analytical guy and thus I see things in numbers and way success rates based on output although I am learning not to do that any longer and God has sent some amazing encouragement in that area.
Wednesday I got the chance to talk with a middle schooler about the grace of God and the joy of repentance after he came to me thinking he would need to be baptized again because of sin. I was blessed this week to be able to afford insurance. I have witnessed what God can do through me even when I am not fully prepared, even if it looks like I am. God is truly full of grace and thus pours it out on us like a monsoon even though we don't realize it. The verse that says, "Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" applies as much to God as it does to us. His heart is for us and for us to worship Him and receive grace and mercy because He is. Simply because He is.
So, I am a pretty analytical guy and thus I see things in numbers and way success rates based on output although I am learning not to do that any longer and God has sent some amazing encouragement in that area.
Wednesday I got the chance to talk with a middle schooler about the grace of God and the joy of repentance after he came to me thinking he would need to be baptized again because of sin. I was blessed this week to be able to afford insurance. I have witnessed what God can do through me even when I am not fully prepared, even if it looks like I am. God is truly full of grace and thus pours it out on us like a monsoon even though we don't realize it. The verse that says, "Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" applies as much to God as it does to us. His heart is for us and for us to worship Him and receive grace and mercy because He is. Simply because He is.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Diligence takes....Real integrity
I was talking to someone the other day who was telling me that integrity is when what you say is exactly what you do. When doing good isn't solely based on a good idea. Another definition is an undivided or unbroken completeness or totality with nothing wanting; Psalm 23. I shall not want... those words echo in my mind. Here's the deal, I've been holding back. I thought I was being completely honest with myself but I wasn't and if I'm not honest with myself then I'll never be completely honest with everyone else. I struggle with respecting my mother, I know I should and I know that the way I talk to her should show that love and respect but like everyone else that I converse with I find myself needing to be completely intentional about it and I despise this about myself. I am not complete, I am not undivided, I am broken, and I want. Oh do I want. I know that this is crucial, I want to be part of a family, I want to have my own family, and none of this will come in completeness with integrity unless I can respect my mother, among other things but this is where I am right now.
So let me get some word behind me....Ephesians 6:1-3; Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right (I think I do a pretty good job at this part but integrity is an undivided completeness so lets move on). "Honor your father and mother," which is the first commandment accompanied by a promise, namely, "that it may go well with you and that you will live a long time on the earth.” Which that promise is found twice in the old testament Exodus 20:12 and Deuteronomy 5:16. Well if it was repeated thrice then it must be crucial. Matthew 15:4 says,"Whoever insults his parents should be put to death." Which means I could die or not live very long if I keep this up. Matthew 19:19 couples loving your neighbor and honoring your parents. I would say this is coincidence but I am quite certain that coincidence doesn't happen.
So in truth, in full integrity I must honor my parents. What does that mean? Well the greek word timao is the word used and that means,"to set a fixed value for something." So I must set a fixed value for my parents? That sounds easy enough. So, just browsing through Proverbs I find that it is life and death that my heart change on this matter sooner rather than later. It isn't pretty. I need something that I can use though that will allow me to always remember this I am searching for word that isn't about me getting eaten by vultures for disrespecting my mom. I want to do this out of love not fear. Proverbs 23:25 is simple, "May your father and mother have joy, may the one who bore you rejoice" and 31:28 "her children rise up and call her blessed."
I think I can stand on these. Mom I love you.
So let me get some word behind me....Ephesians 6:1-3; Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right (I think I do a pretty good job at this part but integrity is an undivided completeness so lets move on). "Honor your father and mother," which is the first commandment accompanied by a promise, namely, "that it may go well with you and that you will live a long time on the earth.” Which that promise is found twice in the old testament Exodus 20:12 and Deuteronomy 5:16. Well if it was repeated thrice then it must be crucial. Matthew 15:4 says,"Whoever insults his parents should be put to death." Which means I could die or not live very long if I keep this up. Matthew 19:19 couples loving your neighbor and honoring your parents. I would say this is coincidence but I am quite certain that coincidence doesn't happen.
So in truth, in full integrity I must honor my parents. What does that mean? Well the greek word timao is the word used and that means,"to set a fixed value for something." So I must set a fixed value for my parents? That sounds easy enough. So, just browsing through Proverbs I find that it is life and death that my heart change on this matter sooner rather than later. It isn't pretty. I need something that I can use though that will allow me to always remember this I am searching for word that isn't about me getting eaten by vultures for disrespecting my mom. I want to do this out of love not fear. Proverbs 23:25 is simple, "May your father and mother have joy, may the one who bore you rejoice" and 31:28 "her children rise up and call her blessed."
I think I can stand on these. Mom I love you.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Diligence takes....Motion
I started at Starbucks yesterday and, among other things, I felt prepared. This was not due to me doing any outside training or research, although I had done those things in previous weeks, this was due to one thing Prayer and renewal of my mind. I used a capital P on purpose because if God is the god then Prayer is the prayer when it is to God. All of the grammatical skills in my body tell me this is probably improper but for the time being I am going to set that aside to focus on this. I thought I was focused on Prayer, I mean I am interning at a "prayer center" how much more focused towards prayer can you be? Or so I thought. I am focused on prayer just not Prayer. What's the difference you ask? Prayer is intentional, purposed, and mostly Mostly listening. The funny thing is prayer, as defined by the dictionary, is a devout petition to god or some object of worship. At least that is the first definition, the second sounds more like Prayer to me, a spiritual communion with God as in supplication, thanksgiving, adoration, or confession, even the dictionary capitalized God on this one. I have done plenty of prayer in the past three years asking for stuff and for my heart to change and while I believe that it wasn't in vain because I have seen the fruit of it, I might have just missed out on some stuff along the way as well. I have spent time in Prayer but that constant communion and being provoked to act because of it well that is another story. I know my thinking isn't "normal" for a twentysomething and I take some solace in that. I know this because I have talked to many men who are much older than me with many more years of wisdom and knowledge then I have and they made the comment to me that, "If I was thinking like you are when I was in my twenty's or even now I would be better off" I understand the encouragement in this statement and I've been kind of camping on this thought for a while now but I am not satisfied with the way I think and if I still think the same way in 20 years I hope someone has the decency to slap me for standing still for so long. I have a want and a desire to know God as intimately on this Earth as possible or even as impossibly as I can but I lack the motion to put behind it.
I think people "want to" do things all the time but their flesh and their heart are imbalanced and because of such their wings are clipped so-to speak. We require both the heart to desire and the flesh to move. Without balance though the forceful nature of our movement out rules our desires and we become busy or, and I literally just shuddered when I thought of this, comfortable. We are born with an imbalance between the two and so it looks as though our hearts are evil but as with anything that isn't well balanced it is really that we aren't healthy. The Holy Spirit gives us the opportunity to restore such a balance through the means of communion with the creator but it is not an easy road by any means. The concept is probably the simplest idea we have ever been able to fathom though, "reset your entire mind to think a new way that you yourself cannot create." This is simple in theory because its like throwing out an old appliance to replace it with one that has the same basic functions but without any faults. What we do though is replace parts until it is all new and that is one way to do it but really it would be simpler to just replace all at once. Our struggle lies with the investment of time and things we value. Because this will take time to learn how to use properly by reading instructions and will take giving up everything we have to get the new one. So the difficult part lies in execution of those two things while maintaining life because if given a year to spend reprogramming yourself and giving up everything we hold onto we still couldn't accomplish it, I couldn't anyway. I'm still too selfish to want to change everything about myself all at once and take a year to do it...Another blog is brewing so lets get back to movement though. We should always be in movement, not that we need to be busy... busyness is the counterfeit of true movement in my eyes. Now, when I say moving don't get it confused with just moving for the sake of moving that is what busyness is, I mean true movement, Obedience, when we can say I am joining God to accomplish His will while I wait for Him to grant me the desires of my heart or better yet merge mine with His. Even if you are at rest you are gaining potential energy towards something but be fully at rest then regain your strength don't just say you are at rest. Rest, restoration.... something about that word has been in my mind for a few days. My shoulder has been in pain for a couple of days now because of unknown reasons and I can't stop trying to stretch it and hope it feels better when what I really need is probably to rest it so it can heal in proper time. Patience isn't just something that is a good idea it is crucial and just because you are waiting for the next move or for something to bear fruit doesn't mean that you stop moving. God is always at work, He doesn't need any single one of us but out of reciprocal love we should desire to join Him. I know that is why I was born with the desire to work alongside those I love is because My Father gave that to me. It is part of Him, He comes alongside us and works with us in our broken states to provide for us even when we want to take the credit.
I struggle with maintaining pace. I am a sprinter when it comes to most things I will exert all my energy on the front end then relax and take my time then realize I need to finish and sprint to the end just so I don't finish in last place. I managed to let my mind be programmed this way so that I could maintain laziness without looking lazy. I know, impressive isn't it. For those of you that know me well this is not my heart at all. In my heart I am calculating what it would take to do things well to start and finish at the same pace with a result that says I did my absolute best. Then, my flesh chimes in with, "we could do that easier just start running with everything you have and see how far you get then we can figure out our next move while we rest." This causes my heart to lose ground and hope in it's plans and by the time it gets back control it is about to be passed by another runner and quickly allows itself to sprint to the finish. Now I don't always make it to the finish line in time, or period. There are things that I have pursued and am pursuing that I may have sprinted into only to not finish. This is not acceptable any longer for myself.
For anyone who reads this and thinks that I don't take my own words to be true this is my reminder. I am only writing these things for my benefit with the hope that anyone else who reads this blog is also provoked and moreover given confirmation by my words.
I think people "want to" do things all the time but their flesh and their heart are imbalanced and because of such their wings are clipped so-to speak. We require both the heart to desire and the flesh to move. Without balance though the forceful nature of our movement out rules our desires and we become busy or, and I literally just shuddered when I thought of this, comfortable. We are born with an imbalance between the two and so it looks as though our hearts are evil but as with anything that isn't well balanced it is really that we aren't healthy. The Holy Spirit gives us the opportunity to restore such a balance through the means of communion with the creator but it is not an easy road by any means. The concept is probably the simplest idea we have ever been able to fathom though, "reset your entire mind to think a new way that you yourself cannot create." This is simple in theory because its like throwing out an old appliance to replace it with one that has the same basic functions but without any faults. What we do though is replace parts until it is all new and that is one way to do it but really it would be simpler to just replace all at once. Our struggle lies with the investment of time and things we value. Because this will take time to learn how to use properly by reading instructions and will take giving up everything we have to get the new one. So the difficult part lies in execution of those two things while maintaining life because if given a year to spend reprogramming yourself and giving up everything we hold onto we still couldn't accomplish it, I couldn't anyway. I'm still too selfish to want to change everything about myself all at once and take a year to do it...Another blog is brewing so lets get back to movement though. We should always be in movement, not that we need to be busy... busyness is the counterfeit of true movement in my eyes. Now, when I say moving don't get it confused with just moving for the sake of moving that is what busyness is, I mean true movement, Obedience, when we can say I am joining God to accomplish His will while I wait for Him to grant me the desires of my heart or better yet merge mine with His. Even if you are at rest you are gaining potential energy towards something but be fully at rest then regain your strength don't just say you are at rest. Rest, restoration.... something about that word has been in my mind for a few days. My shoulder has been in pain for a couple of days now because of unknown reasons and I can't stop trying to stretch it and hope it feels better when what I really need is probably to rest it so it can heal in proper time. Patience isn't just something that is a good idea it is crucial and just because you are waiting for the next move or for something to bear fruit doesn't mean that you stop moving. God is always at work, He doesn't need any single one of us but out of reciprocal love we should desire to join Him. I know that is why I was born with the desire to work alongside those I love is because My Father gave that to me. It is part of Him, He comes alongside us and works with us in our broken states to provide for us even when we want to take the credit.
I struggle with maintaining pace. I am a sprinter when it comes to most things I will exert all my energy on the front end then relax and take my time then realize I need to finish and sprint to the end just so I don't finish in last place. I managed to let my mind be programmed this way so that I could maintain laziness without looking lazy. I know, impressive isn't it. For those of you that know me well this is not my heart at all. In my heart I am calculating what it would take to do things well to start and finish at the same pace with a result that says I did my absolute best. Then, my flesh chimes in with, "we could do that easier just start running with everything you have and see how far you get then we can figure out our next move while we rest." This causes my heart to lose ground and hope in it's plans and by the time it gets back control it is about to be passed by another runner and quickly allows itself to sprint to the finish. Now I don't always make it to the finish line in time, or period. There are things that I have pursued and am pursuing that I may have sprinted into only to not finish. This is not acceptable any longer for myself.
For anyone who reads this and thinks that I don't take my own words to be true this is my reminder. I am only writing these things for my benefit with the hope that anyone else who reads this blog is also provoked and moreover given confirmation by my words.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Diligence takes....Honesty
Yesterday was a very interesting day for me. I was barely in the Word, I wasn't terribly focused on anything, and I hadn't really done much at all. Even knowing all of that I tried to make myself sound more "spiritual" than I was yesterday. I have a conversation with a friend everytime I see them and usually it is of some value. Today I basically just vomited everything that I did this weekend with little to know actual valuable conversation. I wasn't myself. As someone who takes solice in the fact that I can be incredibly consistent in my emotions and reactions, this wasn't me. Today, I am examining a different aspect of that trait of consistency. The alternate extreme, why am I not emotional about the things that truly hurt my heart? What blockage do I have that is keeping me from such things? I need to understand this to truly reach a level of honesty with myself and everyone else. I don't see myself as easily swayed or emotionally enticed but deep down I know that I am to some extent especially with certain music and certain movies. Those are things that are out of my control from being contained by the walls I put up. I want to discover where the walls came from in the first place.
I used to get offended constantly when someone would challenge me or attack a point of view I hold. Not so much anymore, I do enjoy the discussion though. Now, my biggest defensive stance comes when people question my motives. In part this is due to my own questioning of my motives but on the alternate side this is because there are people who don't know the battle with integrity that I have faced, the challenges that through God and changing my heart I have overcome, or the constant struggle I have faced with serving people regardless of how pure I think their motive is. This is the most hurtful thing you can do to me right now. I would rather be stabbed than have my motives questioned. It's not that I don't struggle with manipulation or that I always have pure motives but when you are constantly being questioned about your heart that attacks character. I know I have come through a lot in a short amount of time but I wish I could just hand people a brochure of all that stuff and restore trust or build trust. If only it was that easy, I have let down my closest friends, betrayed my family, and lied to the face of my leaders. These are not easy mountains to climb back over. I've asked for forgiveness but that doesn't change the lies that people hold onto. The best I can do is be myself and be honest with myself.
I used to get offended constantly when someone would challenge me or attack a point of view I hold. Not so much anymore, I do enjoy the discussion though. Now, my biggest defensive stance comes when people question my motives. In part this is due to my own questioning of my motives but on the alternate side this is because there are people who don't know the battle with integrity that I have faced, the challenges that through God and changing my heart I have overcome, or the constant struggle I have faced with serving people regardless of how pure I think their motive is. This is the most hurtful thing you can do to me right now. I would rather be stabbed than have my motives questioned. It's not that I don't struggle with manipulation or that I always have pure motives but when you are constantly being questioned about your heart that attacks character. I know I have come through a lot in a short amount of time but I wish I could just hand people a brochure of all that stuff and restore trust or build trust. If only it was that easy, I have let down my closest friends, betrayed my family, and lied to the face of my leaders. These are not easy mountains to climb back over. I've asked for forgiveness but that doesn't change the lies that people hold onto. The best I can do is be myself and be honest with myself.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Diligence takes.... practice
If practice makes perfect then in order to increase my level of understanding of diligence I must practice diligence with perseverence and waiting and diligence. The things I notice most about my lack of discipline are it's not hard to be diligent when pushed, it's not hard to be diligent when in a group of people, it is when I find myself alone and unfocused that I truly am not disciplined. I get lazy. I am extremely focused when surrounded but distracted when alone. I do see pro's and cons to this behaviour trait. Pro's are that when I am in public I am incredibly consistent, driven and purposed. But when left alone I dwindle time away. I am very control driven in every area of my life but when I am alone. It's like a switch turns off and I just become this fleshy blob. Now this is more physical than spiritual. Although, all systems of thought and feeling are connected (i.e. Mind, Heart, Body, and Spirit). I know that my Heart and Spirit remain constant in all this and that truth be told my body and mind just veto their suggestions in favor of less active responses. I know that this is wrong response but changing a habit that you formed isn't as easy as I thought it would be. In my mind I know I should be more persistent in pursuing purposed time. So today, I take captive the thought to be lazy and will be focused and consistent at all times. In fact I may add to this blog later.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Diligence takes...waiting
We have entered week 3 of the obtaining my job at starbucks process and it has been a slow and steady race thus far. I have had two interviews, purchased three coffees I can't really afford, and made five personal visits. I am so close I can taste it but the process isn't over just yet. That final call that says please come in for training. Waiting it is a key element to persistence, a key element of diligence, without it I'm just pushing with no time to hold for reaction.
Psalm 119:40
Behold, I long for Your precepts; Revive me through Your righteousness.
Longing....ta'ab in the Hebrew, means to desire, to wait for.
This morning some amazing things happened:
1. I woke up fully rested.
2. I found my headphones, in the grass, unscathed... These are $25 headphones that I had replaced about 2 months ago thinking these were lost. This was a great blessing because I had already lost the cheap pair I bought to replace them.. I know irresponsible but a blessing nonetheless.
3. First time in months that I actually was able to sing and play in the prayer room for a set. This has more to do with the condition of my heart than it does with my ability as a musician. Yesterday, the conclusion was laid before me that if I was going to be leading worship for others using my voice and guitar than I needed to lead my own heart there first.
I feel revived. I am only really alive because of His righteousness anyway. My heart is positioned for what He has for me today. Now I know that I am by no means perfect and even in a redeemed state I find myself struggling to maintain any semblance of righteousness in my attitude. It takes me hours to be in a prepared state to hear from God and as mature as I see myself as I struggle to not get derailed from that state. Frustration is my biggest enemy, I find myself getting emotionally derailed from hearing from God simply because I let the world around seep into my heart. This is unacceptable, I keep recognizing this concept that was introduced to me about my inner experiences being unable to support my outer collapses and I just realized that this is because God is trying to get my attention that this is the state I am in. I cannot simply rely on focus to get me to that state, it might just take experiencing these frustrations to build perseverance through them to get to the state of constant diligence and that may take a while. I might just have to wait it out.
Psalm 119:40
Behold, I long for Your precepts; Revive me through Your righteousness.
Longing....ta'ab in the Hebrew, means to desire, to wait for.
This morning some amazing things happened:
1. I woke up fully rested.
2. I found my headphones, in the grass, unscathed... These are $25 headphones that I had replaced about 2 months ago thinking these were lost. This was a great blessing because I had already lost the cheap pair I bought to replace them.. I know irresponsible but a blessing nonetheless.
3. First time in months that I actually was able to sing and play in the prayer room for a set. This has more to do with the condition of my heart than it does with my ability as a musician. Yesterday, the conclusion was laid before me that if I was going to be leading worship for others using my voice and guitar than I needed to lead my own heart there first.
I feel revived. I am only really alive because of His righteousness anyway. My heart is positioned for what He has for me today. Now I know that I am by no means perfect and even in a redeemed state I find myself struggling to maintain any semblance of righteousness in my attitude. It takes me hours to be in a prepared state to hear from God and as mature as I see myself as I struggle to not get derailed from that state. Frustration is my biggest enemy, I find myself getting emotionally derailed from hearing from God simply because I let the world around seep into my heart. This is unacceptable, I keep recognizing this concept that was introduced to me about my inner experiences being unable to support my outer collapses and I just realized that this is because God is trying to get my attention that this is the state I am in. I cannot simply rely on focus to get me to that state, it might just take experiencing these frustrations to build perseverance through them to get to the state of constant diligence and that may take a while. I might just have to wait it out.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Diligence takes....Diligence? Who knew?
This morning as I was waking up, I already knew that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. Last night I had the difficult choice: accept the temporary work at hand or pursue the work of this season. Let me be a little less cryptic, last week I applied and had my first interview for Starbucks to which I was told I would receive a call in a couple days for a second interview. Well, Monday came and went and I had no call (I also squandered my chance to go visit the store and find out what the deal was), Tuesday I worked all day which while a blessing it left me with yet again no call and no chance to go in and be persistent about my job because after all it is my job that is what I am standing on in faith but faith without action,work,diligence is dead. So that brings me to today and the difficult decision of do i go work today and make more money or do I go to Starbucks and ask why I have not been called and hired yet.
Well, by virtue that I am writing this blog I did the latter. I wrestled with this decision until about 1130 at night and sent the guy I was going to be working for a text that I didn't get an answer to until I woke up this morning. I despise leaving people hanging that I have committed to helping. Well I went to sleep with the understanding that if I had no answer I would work and if I did then I would go. I did get an answer and a residing thought from some friends that at first I didn't see the connection but I do now. So with the knowledge that I could be working today, I go. In doing this and with a gentle reminder that this is today and tomorrow doesn't hold much at this moment because it's tomorrow, it can't even enter into my mind so waiting another day is not an option, if I am going to get MY job I need to do it NOW. I need to be diligent in my diligence and be intentional, purposed, persistent, punctual, and hard at work. The definition of diligence is "constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind". I have undertaken getting this job and believe that it is mine ripe for the taking then I am to be in constant effort to accomplish that task. If I am a man of integrity, which I am, then I must be all of these things in everything I undertake I must be diligent for this is required of me.
So the result of my obedience today to what I believe I was to do was that I found out that the manager does want to call me, I was able to observe the morning rush, I was able to meet my next interviewer, tell my friend that works there to tell her manager I stopped in to find out and to call me, and ultimately write this blog without the conviction that I did what seemed to meet the need at the moment and further my walk in learning to be diligent. Obedience is bliss. Today my prayer is that I would remain diligent and in His pathway.
Psalm 119:33-40
This is what I will be standing on through this walk concerning diligence.
Well, by virtue that I am writing this blog I did the latter. I wrestled with this decision until about 1130 at night and sent the guy I was going to be working for a text that I didn't get an answer to until I woke up this morning. I despise leaving people hanging that I have committed to helping. Well I went to sleep with the understanding that if I had no answer I would work and if I did then I would go. I did get an answer and a residing thought from some friends that at first I didn't see the connection but I do now. So with the knowledge that I could be working today, I go. In doing this and with a gentle reminder that this is today and tomorrow doesn't hold much at this moment because it's tomorrow, it can't even enter into my mind so waiting another day is not an option, if I am going to get MY job I need to do it NOW. I need to be diligent in my diligence and be intentional, purposed, persistent, punctual, and hard at work. The definition of diligence is "constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind". I have undertaken getting this job and believe that it is mine ripe for the taking then I am to be in constant effort to accomplish that task. If I am a man of integrity, which I am, then I must be all of these things in everything I undertake I must be diligent for this is required of me.
So the result of my obedience today to what I believe I was to do was that I found out that the manager does want to call me, I was able to observe the morning rush, I was able to meet my next interviewer, tell my friend that works there to tell her manager I stopped in to find out and to call me, and ultimately write this blog without the conviction that I did what seemed to meet the need at the moment and further my walk in learning to be diligent. Obedience is bliss. Today my prayer is that I would remain diligent and in His pathway.
Psalm 119:33-40
Teach me, O Lord , the lifestyle prescribed by your statutes,
so that I might observe it continually.
119:34 Give me understanding so that I might observe your law,
and keep it with all my heart.
119:35 Guide me in the path of your commands,
for I delight to walk in it.
119:36 Give me a desire for your rules,
rather than for wealth gained unjustly.
119:37 Turn my eyes away from what is worthless!
Revive me with your word!
119:38 Confirm to your servant your promise,
which you made to the one who honors you.
119:39 Take away the insults that I dread!
Indeed, your regulations are good.
119:40 Look, I long for your precepts.
Revive me with your deliverance! This is what I will be standing on through this walk concerning diligence.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Can't say I haven't tried but who says I can't do.
14 days into the new year and I have already forsaken my own word. The response could be made, "well you are only human," which is true. I didn't intend to accomplish anything grand except finishing strong and the race is long from over. In the past 3 years I have learned many things about myself.
I can't say for tomorrow though. I may wake up and start strong but by the end of the day be worn, battered, bruised, my weapon may be lost, my sight blurry. I may look nothing like this moment where I truly believe that God is my rock and shelter. That He is my restorer. That He is the ultimate "swiss army knife."
I can say that I want that to be true tomorrow. I want that to be true by the end of today but honestly that takes work. It takes intentionality, I have to let my heart bleed without response, I can't use my mind as a bodyguard, I have to limit my tongue, I have to watch my left and right hand to make sure they are working together for good and not for evil. This is hard. My hope and my belief is that it will not always be this way.
I was watching A Beautiful Mind a few weeks ago and before now I couldn't fully grasp what really spoke to me in the story. I think I just got it. John Nash is a brilliant mathematician and no his theories and proofs aren't widely known but from what I can remember about him he developed some incredible theories on probability. Anyway, the man suffers from Schizophrenia and delusions of grandeur for a majority of his adult years. The movie depicts this in the form of reoccurring characters and scenarios that never change or age. This is my mind, no I don't see people who don't exist but the scenarios and events that never change are in my head. I don't think I'm a secret agent working for the government, I believe that people don't truly care for me and that I need to be the most intelligent person in the room to be liked. I must know it all. This is simply a lie. I've talked about this before but here is the difference. John decides to not take medication to treat this which means that in order to beat the appearance of these hallucinations and delusions he must reason them away or simply ignore them. Initially, this conflicts with him having a family and having a job at first so he isolates himself until he realizes he cant stabilize himself unless he is around what? Reality! The battlefield of the mind is a dangerous location. It isn't easily escapable nor is it easy to find. In my mind, I will fight the same thoughts thousands of time before I die. But there is help, 1 Timothy 2:22 says, "Flee from the lusts of your youth and pursue righteousness!" This is something I stand on because everything that I have come through to this point is my youth. Youth is defined in the dictionary as "the first or early period of anything." So if that is the truth then I must be mature today. I am mature today and tomorrow God-willing and Todd-humbling I will be more mature. But these things I struggle with I have struggled with my whole life. I have developed my entire personality around fitting all situations. I misunderstood that verse where Paul says,"I became all things to all people." I thought it meant change who you are to fit every situation and that was it and missed the last part. He continues to say "that some may be saved. I do all this for the sake of the Gospel." I have never applied the gospel practically into my personality shift. I have become the world for the sake of myself and not for the sake of Christ. So, going back to the movie in the end of the movie someone asks if he still sees the hallucinations and it pans to show them and he says yes I just simply ignore them. I think I can do that. I think I could ignore these struggles and while I have at times that only works for so long. I know that with Christ we have the ability to conquer, I don't fully know how yet but I know we do. I know that one way is to combat them with the word.
To speak out, "This thought or behaviour doesn't line up with the Word of my savior and therefore holds no power," is a challenge for me. I risk sounding silly if I walk around talking to myself or rather shouting. Heaven forbid I sound foolish talking to myself. So, I do this covertly in my head... that takes almost no effort and I don't sound foolish. Yet that battle continues, why because immunity to the wound has built up and the camp isn't rattled by the thoughts that they recognize as weaker by this point. So, this is what I must do. I must speak this. I must breathe life into these words. You can't breathe into a thought (Mental note: forget for a moment that you are constantly breathing and oxygen is travelling to the brain I know what I meant) Words take breath, and multiple sounds, and thoughts. It would be like giving my thoughts a bazooka. Also, the word says out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. Which means not only am I saying it with a little more intention but I am believing it a little bit more strongly in the first place to say it.
I say all this to simply confess that I have not held my word accountable in my own heart. Which means I have not been believing that I am a conqueror, and a man of integrity. And while the things I have stumbled in are only disciplines my word is not a discipline. Integrity has to go much deeper.
So I pray today that I would find my voice to speak forth the things that aren't true, claim them defeated and move forward.
- I have uninterruptable drive when I am passionate about accomplishing something,
- I am not created to be a manipulator, deciever, or sarcastic man.
- I am created to be filled with integrity, righteousness, and purity
- I must be intentional in all things in order to bring excellence to them.
- I start well, but the finish takes much more work.
- He is faithful
- He is my strength
- Regardless of all else, I can survive simply being in relationship with Him
I can't say for tomorrow though. I may wake up and start strong but by the end of the day be worn, battered, bruised, my weapon may be lost, my sight blurry. I may look nothing like this moment where I truly believe that God is my rock and shelter. That He is my restorer. That He is the ultimate "swiss army knife."
I can say that I want that to be true tomorrow. I want that to be true by the end of today but honestly that takes work. It takes intentionality, I have to let my heart bleed without response, I can't use my mind as a bodyguard, I have to limit my tongue, I have to watch my left and right hand to make sure they are working together for good and not for evil. This is hard. My hope and my belief is that it will not always be this way.
I was watching A Beautiful Mind a few weeks ago and before now I couldn't fully grasp what really spoke to me in the story. I think I just got it. John Nash is a brilliant mathematician and no his theories and proofs aren't widely known but from what I can remember about him he developed some incredible theories on probability. Anyway, the man suffers from Schizophrenia and delusions of grandeur for a majority of his adult years. The movie depicts this in the form of reoccurring characters and scenarios that never change or age. This is my mind, no I don't see people who don't exist but the scenarios and events that never change are in my head. I don't think I'm a secret agent working for the government, I believe that people don't truly care for me and that I need to be the most intelligent person in the room to be liked. I must know it all. This is simply a lie. I've talked about this before but here is the difference. John decides to not take medication to treat this which means that in order to beat the appearance of these hallucinations and delusions he must reason them away or simply ignore them. Initially, this conflicts with him having a family and having a job at first so he isolates himself until he realizes he cant stabilize himself unless he is around what? Reality! The battlefield of the mind is a dangerous location. It isn't easily escapable nor is it easy to find. In my mind, I will fight the same thoughts thousands of time before I die. But there is help, 1 Timothy 2:22 says, "Flee from the lusts of your youth and pursue righteousness!" This is something I stand on because everything that I have come through to this point is my youth. Youth is defined in the dictionary as "the first or early period of anything." So if that is the truth then I must be mature today. I am mature today and tomorrow God-willing and Todd-humbling I will be more mature. But these things I struggle with I have struggled with my whole life. I have developed my entire personality around fitting all situations. I misunderstood that verse where Paul says,"I became all things to all people." I thought it meant change who you are to fit every situation and that was it and missed the last part. He continues to say "that some may be saved. I do all this for the sake of the Gospel." I have never applied the gospel practically into my personality shift. I have become the world for the sake of myself and not for the sake of Christ. So, going back to the movie in the end of the movie someone asks if he still sees the hallucinations and it pans to show them and he says yes I just simply ignore them. I think I can do that. I think I could ignore these struggles and while I have at times that only works for so long. I know that with Christ we have the ability to conquer, I don't fully know how yet but I know we do. I know that one way is to combat them with the word.
To speak out, "This thought or behaviour doesn't line up with the Word of my savior and therefore holds no power," is a challenge for me. I risk sounding silly if I walk around talking to myself or rather shouting. Heaven forbid I sound foolish talking to myself. So, I do this covertly in my head... that takes almost no effort and I don't sound foolish. Yet that battle continues, why because immunity to the wound has built up and the camp isn't rattled by the thoughts that they recognize as weaker by this point. So, this is what I must do. I must speak this. I must breathe life into these words. You can't breathe into a thought (Mental note: forget for a moment that you are constantly breathing and oxygen is travelling to the brain I know what I meant) Words take breath, and multiple sounds, and thoughts. It would be like giving my thoughts a bazooka. Also, the word says out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. Which means not only am I saying it with a little more intention but I am believing it a little bit more strongly in the first place to say it.
I say all this to simply confess that I have not held my word accountable in my own heart. Which means I have not been believing that I am a conqueror, and a man of integrity. And while the things I have stumbled in are only disciplines my word is not a discipline. Integrity has to go much deeper.
So I pray today that I would find my voice to speak forth the things that aren't true, claim them defeated and move forward.
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